The Chicago Cubs announced plans today to replace Wrigley Field’s beloved Friendly Confines nickname with The House That Javy Baez Rebuilt. The change coincides with the launch of the Cubs’ four-year, $575 million stadium renovation project and commemorates the arrival of the franchise’s most-hyped second baseman since Hall of Famer, Ryne Sandberg, for his first home game.

The stunning news comes on the heals of Baez’ record-setting major league debut this week when he became the first Cubs rookie to hit three home runs in his first three games including this game-winning blast in his very first game:

Cubs owner, Tom Ricketts, led a hastily-orgainized press conference before a raucous crowd in the Budweiser Bleachers. “Fuck it,” cracked a visibly-intoxicated Ricketts,  “Why hold onto our shitty past when we can look to the fucking future and capitalize on the goddamned present??” Ricketts added “All you fucking traditionalists out there can go fuck yourselves!  Javy is THE MAN!!”

Ricketts also revealed other finalists for the new monicker included Crane Kenney’s Personal Massive Executive Toilet and Rooftop Owners Can Suck It!

Baez already leads the league in bad tattoos.
Baez already leads the league in bad tattoos.