I think Indiana Jones once said, “fortune favors the bold,” so rather than making the same boring predictions for every division that inevitably end up being somewhere between 30% and 70% correct, I thought it’d be more fun to point out some things the trendy pundits are overlooking while making a few ’80s movie references. Included are a couple interesting roads to the World Series. Wait a minute: Roads? Where we’re going we don’t need roads, so just sit back and prepare to have your face melted by an astounding series of earth-shaking predictions, each more shocking than the last!!
- Despite the Back to the Future 2 prophecy, the Cubs WILL NOT win the 2015 World Series. If you’re a rational person, your face is probably still in tact after reading that, but if Vegas is any indicator, the world has lost its fucking mind. More people are betting on the Cubs to win the World Series than any other team according to ESPN. After a five-year hiatus from relevance, the Cubs may finally be watchable again, but reaching the .500 mark is the only reasonable expectation for a team this young and unproven. But there’s little room for reason when it comes to to Vegas and the Cubs. The only team with better than the 6-1 odds to win it all right now are the Washington Nationals at 5-1. Speaking of…
- Injuries and a shaky bullpen will derail the World Series hope of the Washington Nationals. If you’ve been bored enough to read this blog for any period of time, you know I’ve been a huge proponent of the ancient baseball axiom that pitching wins championships. But while there is obviously some element of truth to it, I’ve seen the Tigers rotation lauded for years as “the best in baseball” only to prove not to be enough to put them over the top. I see the same thinking with the new flavor of the month—the Nats. While their rotation looks daunting, the team has had a terrible off-season and Spring with myriad injuries to key players like Denard Span, Jayson Werth, and Anthony Rendon. Add that the bullpen uncertainly left in the wake of Tyler Clippard‘s exodus and the inconsistency of new closer, Drew Storen, and you’re left with Tigers 2.0. I’ve seen this too many times—Christ, Detroit had the last 3 fucking Cy Young winners and got swept out of the ALDS last year! The District of Columbia should prepare to have your hearts ripped out and shown to you again.
“KALIMA!!”
- Justin Verlander will be Comeback Player of the Year. I love how everyone has suddenly forgotten that Verlander was coming off significant surgery to his core in 2014 that he was never able to fully recover from due to a severely truncated off-season conditioning program. They’ve already declared the 32-year old “done.” ignoring that, with the benefit of a normal off-season, a fully-recovered Verlandeer showed significant increases in velocity and command this Spring, reaching 94-96 mph, not unlike his Cy Young/MVP years. A DL stint to manage a minor triceps strain has the Motor City in a panic this week, but it has only pushed his first start back four days and will soon be forgotten. Alas, JV’s resurgence won’t be enough to overcome the bullpen fiasco that has plagued Detroit for years, which brings me to my next outrageous prognostication…
- The White Sox will win the AL Central. Actually, the Sox are a trendy pick to win the Central so this may not have melted your face, unless you know me and my utter disdain for the South Side Shitmen. Giving them credit for anything is extremely difficult for me, but I have to tip my cap to Kenny Williams and Rick Hahn for their shrewd off-season schemes to shore up an average rotation with Jeff Samardzija, a pathetic bullpen with David Robertson and Zach Duke, and a meager lineup with Adam Laroche at 1B. Giving known PED-user, Melky Cabrera, a giant contract only proves how soulless and desperate the organization truly is, but it’s a deal with the devil that will pay dividends. Congrats.
- The Yankees will finish with the worst record in the American League. The Evil Empire has become a bloated tauntaun carcass whose only use is to provide heat for hot stove season banter, yet the national media somehow has failed to realize it. Age, injuries, and horrendous decision-making by the front office have left their hopes dangling by the tattered remains of Masahiro Tanaka‘s ulnar collateral ligament and Jacoby Ellsbury‘s fragile frame. Having to deal with the Alex Rodriguez plague that won’t be cured for years to come will be the fatal proton torpedo up their thermal exhaust port. BOOM!
- The Miami Marlins will fulfill their part of the prophecy and make it to the World Series. Robert Zemeckis‘ vision of the future was spot on in that there would be a Major League team in Miami by now and they would be on the verge of a championship in 2015. Unfortunately for him (and for the 2003 Cubs), they were placed in the National League in 1993 with Chicago so their predicted World Series meeting became impossible. But anchored by the best outfield in baseball (Giancarlo Stanton, Christian Yelich, and Marcell Ozuna) and emerging superstars like Jose Fernandez coming back strong from Tommy John surgery, the Marlins will go on yet another improbable run to the World Series, just coming up a little short this time. Which leads me to my final ‘heavy‘ prediction…
- The Toronto Blue Jays will win the 2015 World Series led by AL MVP, Josh Donaldson. If you think I’m just throwing crazy shit out there to see if any of it sticks, you might be right. However, I’ll just ask you one question: would you have predicted the Royals would be in the World Series at this point last year? Didn’t think so. It’s easy to look past our neighbors in the Great White North, but stealing a player of Donaldson’s ilk should’ve triggered an Interpol investigation. Adding him to an already daunting lineup that includes Jose Bautista and Edwin Encarnacion coupled with the most intriguing back of the rotation pitchers in Daniel Norris, Aaron Sanchez, and Drew Hutchison that will soon become the front of the rotation ahead of vets R.A. Dickey and Mark Buehrle and you have a truly [get ready to groan] Lethal Weapon.
So there there they are—my 2015 predictions. Whether your face is now a pile of goo dripping down your chest or if you just think I’m full of shit, there’s someone you should talk to…
Major League A*Holes 