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“Look Dad, I’m an asshole!!”

You might be asking ‘who the fuck is Dylan Cressy?’ I really I wish I didn’t know either. Well, he’s THAT guy — the self-entitled clown bag who decided Jake Arrieta’s no-hitter was as much about him as Arrieta or his teammates when he ran onto the field Thursday night in Cincinnati. Now that dickface of his is forever encrusted over the images of huge moment in Cubs history where it has no business being.

I wouldn’t have even known his name if ESPN 1000‘s resident meathead David Kaplan hadn’t recklessly put the douche bag on the radio Friday afternoon like he was some kind of folk hero. The Cubs’ pre/post game host gleefully cajoled Cressy as he described his dalliance as “pure joy” and he hefty fine levied against him “worth every penny.”

The 22-year-old frat boy (and classic ‘afluenza’ sufferer) said “I accepted the fact that I was going to jail that night but I thought it would be worth it.” He was lucky Arrieta didn’t beat the shit out of him right there on the mound. And why the Hamilton County police didn’t break out the rubber hoses at any point in his overnight stay is beyond me. I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised considering their incompetence for letting him get anywhere near the players in the first place.

Just a fine. A pathetic slap on the wrist. A fine that was in no doubt paid by Cressy’s enabling father Michael who was more than happy with his son’s criminally selfish actions and even seized the opportunity to grab his own 15 minutes of fame. “When I first got the call that he was in jail, I wasn’t too pleased,” he gushed to the Chicago Tribune. “But when I found out what it was about, I was proud. It took some guts,” and later added “…that’s my boy!”

Groan.

The media outlets that made this into a story are just s culpable for giving the Cressys the attention they crave. It was simply irresponsible of the Tribune, Kaplan, and the city’s #1 sports talk radio station to give airtime to these jackasses. I feel dirty myself for giving them any more attention (though, the 7 people who might read this hardly constitutes “more”). It endorses their not only desperate attention seeking, but also dangerous behavior that could encourage more serious on-field incidents when given this kind of positive publicity.

Do we really need another incident like the disgusting Lique family mugging a defenseless Tom Gamboa or Monica Seles getting stabbed to understand this shit can’t be encouraged in any way? Does someone need to die before we stop treating this like a harmless frat house prank to wake the fuck up?

In a season that looks like it may provide many more historic moments for Cubs fans, let’s hope no other dickheads decide to make those moments all about themselves and turn them into potential tragedies.

If you’re thinking about it, just don’t.

 

UPDATE: It’s not ironic, but an interesting coincidence I posted this one day before the 40th anniversary of what some call the Greatest Play in Baseball History by Chicago Cubs Rick Monday:

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